Green. Everywhere that you look, you seen green. Boys are wearing green baseball caps. Girls are wearing green bows in their hair. And college-age young adults are wearing green T-shirts covered in clovers, with an obligatory phrase about getting drunk and/or kissing them. In other words, it is St. Patrick’s Day.
In honor of this wonderfully fun holiday, I decided to allow a guest writer report on the Steelers for me. Who better to do such a task, on such a special day, than a leprechaun. So, with no further ado, please welcome my friend, Shane the leprechaun.
Aye, thank you, Tiger.
Ever since I was a wee lad, back in Ireland, I have been a Steelers fan. I was in attendance at Three Rivers Stadium when Franco Harris made the Immaculate Reception; how else do you explain that catch except for a wee bit of leprechaun magic. Unfortunately in January of 1996, I did not have the correct paperwork, and thus, I was not allowed into the state of Arizona; hence, me nemesis, Gordy the Tooth Fairy – who is a Cowboys fan – was able to sprinkle some of his pixie dust onto Larry Brown.
Anyway, the reason that I am writing today is to talk about three Steelers who have been seeking me gold: Jason Worilds, DeAngelo Williams, and Ben Roethlisberger.
Jason Worilds was a clever lad. For the first four years that he was playing for the Steelers, he wanted me gold. Fortunately, the end of the rainbow he could not find. Last summer, he tried to trick me, but I was far more clever than he. I tossed him a few gold coins, nine million to be exact, and he accepted the offer lickety-split. The foolish lad did not know that that was the last of me gold that he would ever be seeing. For less than a year later, Jason up and quit playing football altogether. He said that he no longer was interested in seeking me gold. Charming lad and best wishes to him. But really though, retirement was the smart move, because if his heart was not in it, then no amount of gold would make him happy.
Next up was DeAngelo Williams. For the past nine seasons, he has been playing for me buddy Percy the garden gnome’s team: the Carolina Panthers. To make a long story short, I spoke to Percy, who whispered in DeAngelo’s ear and lo and behold, DeAngelo mysteriously flew to Pittsburgh. Percy told me that DeAngelo was a good guy, and that I should send a few gold coins his way. So, I did just that: I gave the lad a wee bit of gold (2 years, $4 million). Now, you are probably wondering why I would give an aging running back so much money. First of all, last year’s playoffs showed me that the Steelers need a backup to Le’Veon Bell. More importantly, DeAngelo be a good-character, team-first type of guy… attributes I feel should be rewarded. Or, another way of putting it be this: DeAngelo be the antithesis of LaGarrette Blount. I will never forgive Buford, the gremlin, for tricking me into giving that bum some of me treasure.
Last, but not least, is Ben Roethlisberger. Oh, laddie!!! If there ever was a Steeler worthy of me gold, ’tis that man right there. In Super Bowl XLIII, Big Ben did not need any of me magic in order to drive down the field for the game-winning touchdown. For that reason, among others, I voluntarily drew up a map showing him the location of me pot of gold… and told him to take whatever he wanted. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the lad could have cleaned me out, but he did not; he only took a wee amount. Mind you, even though he is now the highest paid quarterback per season, he easily could have taken me entire treasure. Because the dear lad left so much gold in me pot, there is still plenty enough for me to give some to his teammates.
Speaking of which, I better be running off. I need to play some pranks on David DeCastro and Cam Heyward. You are probably wondering why I would bother two nice young men like that. Well, I am not going to simply give them some of me gold coins without me getting a little fun out of it in return. Erin go Braugh!!!