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Steeler Mockery

April is here, and in the NFL that means that it is time for mock drafts, mock drafts, and more mock drafts. With nearly a month left until the first round of the actual draft rolls around on Thursday, April 30th, you will see no less than one million mock drafts posted on various websites. Of course, that number is an exaggeration… but, not by much.

So, with no further ado, allow me to kick off the “month of mocks” with my first mock draft for the Pittsburgh Steelers.


ROUND ONE: Breshad Perriman, wide receiver, Central Florida
The three main needs on this team are wide receiver, running back, and quarterback. There is not a quarterback worthy of the twenty-second pick; thus, I easily eliminated that from contention. Next up, my immediate thought was Todd Gurley, but I figure that he will go to San Diego at seventeen.

Hence, I went with the wide receiver. Can you blame me? Sure, Antonio Brown had two great seasons. Sure, last season, he led the entire NFL in two of the three main receiving categories (yards, receptions). But, realistically, how long can we expect such a short person to produce like this? My guess is: not much longer.

Furthermore, the depth behind Brown is abysmal. Martavis Bryant has pink hair. You say that he colored it that way, in honor of his friend’s mother who died from breast cancer; I say it is because he is a techno-rave-attending, hipster punk. Likewise, Markus Wheaton is from Oregon State. Aside from Chad Johnson, can you name one wide receiver from Oregon State who prospered in the NFL? Oh… okay, T.J. Houshmandzadah. Aside from those Johnson and Houshmandzadah, can you name another wide receiver from Oregon State who ever did anything in the NFL ? Oh right… Brandin Cooks. Regardless, the Steelers still need to draft a wide receiver.

Now, I am not trying to finagle the draft process, and somehow have one of the top three receivers drop to twenty-two (Amari Cooper, Alabama; Kevin White, West Virginia; DeVante Parker, Louisville). Realistically, all three could be gone by thirteen, and I think that there will be a run on receivers on the teens, with as many as five going by the time that the Steelers select. Using that figure as my barometer, the sixth best reliever in this draft would be Breshad Perriman. The bonus is that Perriman is the speedy deep-threat that the Steelers have been so desperately missing since Mike Wallace left two years ago. And, as we all are well aware, without Wallace, the Steelers offense has completely stagnated.


ROUND TWO: T.J. Yeldon, running back, Alabama
After Todd Gurley and Melvin Gordon get drafted in round one, there might not be another running back drafted until the Steelers are once again on the clock. With that kind of value, there is no way that the Steelers should pass on T.J. Yeldon.

Value aside, drafting a running back is a must for the Steelers. Sure, Le’Veon Bell was the team MVP, and had arguably the best season that a Steelers running back has had in over a decade. But, he is also going to be ranked as the top overall player in next season’s fantasy football rankings… which is a bad omen, because fantasy football is for stat geeks who do not really understand anything about real football.


ROUND THREE: Garrett Greyson, quarterback, Colorado State
Finally, the Steelers will draft a quarterback to replace the vastly overrated Ben Roethlisberger. To clarify: I am not talking about “eventually” supplanting Big Ben; I am talking about replacing Big Ben this upcoming September.

Do not let Big Ben’s league-leading passing yards fool you: he has never won a Super Bowl without Hines Ward on the roster. Let that sink in for a minute. Conversely, Garrett Greyson was only seven years old when Hines Ward was drafted. In turn, Greyson probably does not even know who Hines Ward is, let alone miss him; ergo, he would not be flustered by Ward’s absence from the team.

I would tell Ben to move on, get over the departure of Hines Ward, and try to throw the ball to some other receiver on the team. But, as I have already illustrated, Ben simply has not had any good targets. Even with the addition of Perriman, Ben Roethlisberger is a lost cause. We are on the cusp of the Garrett Greyson era in Pittsburgh.

So to summarize — Words, words, words… yadda-yadda-yadda… blah, blah, blah… have a happy April Fools’ Day.


Tiger is a Steelers contributor to The Point of Pittsburgh